Subject: The Furnace of Marraige
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To: <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2006 09:05:55 +1000

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Issue 208 - 21 st August, 2006 	Go to our website Here
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*	Hello Warwick
*	Grandads
*	Laughter
*	Single Dads 
*	All you need is Love
*	Thought of the Week
*	Special Feature
*	News & Info
*	Dad's Prayer
*	Help Us

Hello Warwick

 
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if> 

Recently I spoke at the Australian Family Association National
Conference in Sydney.  One of the benefits of speaking at such a
conference is that you get to hear outstanding speakers that you
normally would never get a chance to see in action.  One such speaker at
the AFA conference was Frank Devine.  Frank has been past editor of The
Australian, New York Post and Chicago Sun Times. No mean achievement!
Besides all this Frank is a grandfather par excellence who still has a
great sense of humour.  The first part of his speech was reprinted in
last weeks fathersonline in the Grandad's section and the second part
can be found there today.  Let me quote to you from last week's:

I speak to you this evening from the apex of the family pyramid.  I am a
grandfather.  This means I saw both 'Superman' and 'Pirates of the
Caribbean' during the school holidays.  

It also means I didn't need to make up my own jokes to start this
speech.  The world is awash with grandparent jokes.  They run the usual
joke gamut.  

I'll start with a couple of the cynical ones.

*      My grandmother is over 80 and doesn't need glasses.  She still
drinks straight from the bottle.

*      An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that and you start to age quickly.

*      Then there's this bit of modified cynicism from Ogden Nash: Never
have children, only grandchildren.

An American comedian, Henny Youngman, adapted this by injecting some
warmth: If I'd known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first.

Frank Devine continues to talk about the little old lady footage - you
know, the one where the little old lady smashes this guy's car bonnet
with her handbag because he honked his horn at her while she was
crossing the road, causing his air bag to explode in his lap.  Frank
points out that grandparents are tough because they need to be.  They
have become 'sufficiently tempered in the heat to cope with the
sinew-wrenching task of raising children to adulthood.

More than that, we have probably shown sufficient signs of enjoying this
central struggle on the battlefield of marriage, for our children to
want to have a go at doing the same.'

But the phrase that Frank used that has kept ringing in my head ever
since hearing him speak was: 'risked ourselves in the blazing furnace of
marriage'. Frank's speech was brilliantly crafted but this phrase stood
out so strongly.  The facts are, nobody tells you that marriage is a
furnace or that families can be much the same.  Hollywood and popular
culture have brainwashed us into thinking it will be happy-ever-after
when really it can be quite the reverse.

People who work inside furnaces need to be trained.  People also need
training in human relationship skills before they get married. The same
goes for raising children.  Family life is challenging to say the least
- and that of course is why you are reading fathersonline.

Lovework

Is your furnace burning you up?  If so, stop for a moment and get some
inspiration from somewhere and then step back into the heat.  The trick
is to keep hot without being consumed by the fire.  This will temper you
just like steel that becomes better for the fire and can do twice the
work of untempered steel.

Yours for the furnace of marriage

Warwick Marsh

PS We had a great BBQ for the Good to Great launch last Thursday.  Jim
Wallace spoke and so did many past graduates.  The course is quickly
filling up.  For those in attendance range please get your application
forms in quickly to avoid disappointment. Regards WM 

 ________________________________________ 

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 30 years. He is 
the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in 
age from 25 years to 13 years.  Warwick is a musician, 
songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he 
can still laugh at himself.

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Grandads

 

Speech at Australian Family Association Dinner (Pt2)

5th August 2006

By Frank Devine
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ndfather.jpg> 

Nowadays people enter marriage with the thought, even if it is deep,
deep in the back of their minds, that there may be a way out.  

We enter grandparenthood with the expectation that it will be for life.
There is really only one way out, and we don't want to rush it.

The permanence, if relative brevity, of the institution of
grandparenthood, gives us a special perspective on the institution of
marriage.  

To us, the idea of marriage break-up, and the ruined lives of our
grandchildren that goes with it, is entirely repellent.  If the Beatles
had been grandparents when they wrote their song, the lyrics might have
been:

Will you still heed me?

Will you still need me?

When I'm ninety-four?

Had the Beatles stayed together long enough, they would probably be
considering the rewrite about now.  

I think this is the time-span people should be thinking in when they
consider the radical and appalling prospect of getting married. Marriage
is our most efficient genetic futures exchange.  Its rules keep
transactions open and transparent, and it maintains the most reliable
records.

Part of family strength comes from everybody having a fair idea of where
everybody else comes from.  Four of our grandchildren have four living
grandparents each.  That's relatively rare and our kids revel in it.
They've got one set of grandparents who take them to the movies and
teach them to barbecue.  The other set of grandparents lives in the
country, introduces them to animal friends and, when their feet can
reach the pedals from a sitting position, teach them to drive the Ute
around the paddocks.

From a grandparent point of view, this is free market competition at its
toughest.  However, the competitors get on well together and, as always,
competition is great for the consumers.

The country grandmother contributes a bonus almost beyond imagining.
She is one of a family of 17.  One of the incomparable advantages of
being the product of marriages that have held together for two
generations or more is the platoon of aunts and uncles you have, and the
regiment of cousins.  All of them YOUR people, who have obligations to
you, and you to them.  You don't even have to meet all your cousins.
You might not like some of them.  But it's a great reassurance to know
they are there and, in well-ordered families, are traceable if you care
to make the effort.  

What's a more cheerful way of making connection with a stranger than
being able to say: "Oh, your grandfather must be the older brother of my
great Aunt Kim"?

Can you picture the connections my four grandchildren have a chance of
making when just one quarter of their grandparent supply has 16
siblings?  "Your great Aunt Maud must be related to . . . EVERYBODY!!!"

Preparing for this speech I skimmed through some issues of your
magazine, 'The Australian Family' online http://www.family.org.au   I
was impressed by the vigorous and informative way the journal addresses
threats and challenges to the family.

In the July issue, for example, I was especially pleased to read again
Stanley Kurtz's devastating article about the decay that awaits us if
proponents of same sex marriage get their way.  It strikes me, though,
that families - and family associations - negotiate with the world from
a position of immense strength.  I think we should take care not to fall
habitually into defensive positions.  A more natural and logical stance
is celebratory.  We should celebrate loudly and often the splendour and
power of families.  

 
<http://www.bosweb.com.au/content/EB3TemplateImages/771/Old-Couple%201.j
pg> One of the dopiest of the cynical grandparent jokes I came upon
during my recent search was this: It's not grandchildren who make you
feel old, it's the idea of being married to a grandmother. Now there's a
guy who deserves an emergency air bag in his lap.  I can think of no
greater joy than being married to a grandmother.

 

Frank Devine is a well known columnist.  He has been married to
Jacqueline for many years, has three daughters and four grandchildren.

______________________________________________________

 

The fathersonline is always in need of articles from Grandfathers.  The
next generation needs to hear from you.  How about you put pen to paper
and write about your experiences.  Please send articles and photos to:

[email-masked]

or

Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 440

Wollongong  NSW  2520

 

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Laughter

 
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gif> 

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" 

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said,"So why is the
groom wearing black?"

________________________________________________

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"   

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Single Dads 

 

 

 
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The Need for Shared Parenting

by Mike McManus

John Murtari, 49, is sitting in a Syracuse jail for two weeks as I
write, and has refused to eat or drink to protest  "gross and repeated
injustice" by the court system in a custody battle over access to his
son, Domenic, 13. 

From the state's perspective, he is a deadbeat dad, who owes $60,000 in
child support. 

However, the initial support level was not based on his income, but the
$70,000 he once earned as a software engineer for a defense firm.  When
the company filed false reports, he says he blew the whistle and was
fired the next day. 

Though president of his own software firm, his earnings are half of what
he used to make.  The first injustice is that his child support level
was set far too high. Second, the court allowed his wife to move to
Colorado, in spite of his protest.  She's studying for a third college
degree, which she could have pursued in New York State. Why should any
court allow a divorced parent to move so far away that child visitation
by the parent left behind is almost impossible? 

If Domenic visited him, John had to fly to Colorado, pick him up, bring
him back, and then return with him to Colorado.  Three round trip
tickets cost $1,000 per visit.  But the court would not allow him to
deduct that from his child support payments. That's a third injustice. 

Fourth, he repeatedly filed for modifications of his child support
level, and was denied. He was assigned a public defender who told him,
"John, just pay the money.  You'll see your son when he is 18."

John has been paying $50 a month, which is skimpy.  However, he
estimates he has spent $60,000 in support of his son, but none of it
counts in the court's eyes. In the last seven years, he flew out four
times a year for visits, and picked him up for vacations in New York
twice a year. 

"How many of those could I have traded away - and not lost our
relationship?" he asks.

So he sits today in debtor's prison, to call attention to the plight of
divorced parents denied regular access to their children.  John told me
before going to jail that he would not eat or drink and would force the
prison to keep him alive with a feeding tube. For ten days the jail
refused to do so. His weight dropped from 155 pounds to 127. His blood
pressure fell to a dangerous level.  

Stories appeared in local newspapers, and a feeding tube was inserted.
He asserts, "This is not suicide wish or hunger strike. My goal is not
to hurt myself but to make them expend an uncomfortable amount of effort
to keep me in custody." 

There has to be a better answer and there is.  It is called "shared
parenting," or "joint custody," which is granted in only 16 percent of
cases. According to a study by the American Psychological Association,
"A major advantage of joint custody may be its ability to address the
high rate of current father absence subsequent to divorce. Joint custody
has been correlated with increased father involvement." 

Second, "Joint custody versus sole maternal custody was associated with
adolescent's positive adjustment.  Several studies found that increased
and reliable visitation by the noncustodial parent (usually the father)
predicted positive adjustment of children."
<http://www.bosweb.com.au/content/EB3TemplateImages/771/feminists.jpg> 

Feminists oppose joint custody on grounds that child support will be
reduced. However, "the consensus of studies" found that "child support
is either increased" or not significantly different. A fourth benefit is
that there is "decreased re-litigation" with shared parenting, and less
conflict between spouses in general. 

Thus, research proves what common sense would suggest.  Shared parenting
results in greater father involvement, more financial support, less
litigation and happier children. 

David Levy, an attorney who is President of the Children's Rights
Council, reports another great impact of joint custody. States with the
greatest amount of joint custody enjoyed a big drop in divorce rates.
The six states with the most joint custody are, in order, Montana,
Kansas, Connecticut, Idaho, Rhode Island, and Alaska.  The states with
the highest decline in  divorce in the 1990s were Alaska, Kansas,
Connecticut, Illinois, Montana and Idaho. 

Why?

"If a parent knows that he or she will have to interact with the child's
other parent while the child is growing up, there is less incentive to
divorce," says Levy.

Here's a political issue for this political season.

Candidates for governor or state legislatures: why not fight for more
joint custody to support kids and lower divorce rates?

Copyright © 2006 Michael J. McManus

www.marriagesavers.org 

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All you need is Love

MARRIAGE FOUND TO HELP WITH DEPRESSION

August 13, 2006 

Megan Shannon - All Headline News Staff Writer
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(AHN) - An Ohio University study showed that getting married can help
cheer

up people with depression.

After studying more than 3,000 people a team of students and professors

found that marriage enhances mental health but noticed an extreme change
in

those who were depressed before their first marriage.

PhD Sociology Student Adrianne Frech said the team actually expected to
find

opposite results. In fact, they thought one spouse's depression would
cause

problems in the marriage.

"Just mattering to someone can alleviate symptoms of depression," Frech

said.

Assistant Professor of sociology Kristi Williams said "Depressed people
may be just especially in need of the intimacy, the emotional closeness
and the social support that marriage can provide. If you start out happy
you don't have to go as far."

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Thought of the Week

 
<http://www.bosweb.com.au/content/EB3TemplateImages/771/Frank%20Devine.j
pg> 

If we are fully engaged in grandparenthood,

it probably means we have forsaken the comfort of being cool

and risked ourselves in the blazing furnace of marriage.

Frank Devine

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Special Feature

MARRIAGE MAKES PEOPLE LIVE LONGER

BBC.com 

August 10, 2006 

The authors of the study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Health say
loneliness is the killer rather than alcohol or cigarettes.

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"Having never been married may be associated with more severe isolation
because it is associated with greater isolation from children and other
family."

People who never marry are far more likely to die prematurely than those
who get hitched or divorced, say US researchers.

Bachelors aged between 19 and 44 were more than twice as likely to die
as their married male peers.

The authors of the study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Health say
loneliness is the killer rather than alcohol or cigarettes.

Their work looked at data on 67,000 Americans between 1989 and 1997.

Die young

Single people were only slightly more likely to smoke than marrieds and
were less likely to drink regularly.

They also exercised more and were less overweight.

Dr Robert Kaplan and colleague Richard Kronick, from the University of
California, Los Angeles, believe that people who never marry are less
likely to have a good social support network and become isolated, which,
in turn, knocks years off their lives.

In 1989, almost one in two of the people they studied were married, and
almost one in 10 were widowed. About 12% were divorced and 3% were
separated. Of the remainder, 5% were cohabiting, and one in five had
never been married.

Although older age and poor health were the strongest predictors of
death by 1997, surviving marriage was also strongly associated with a
longer life.

Those who had never married were at greater risk than those who were
separated or divorced.

Indeed, the risks of being never married, in terms of odds, rival the
risks of having increased blood pressure or high cholesterol.

Never marrieds were 58% more likely to have died than peers who were
married and living with their spouse in 1989.

Those who had been widowed were almost 40% more likely to die, and those
who had been divorced or separated were 27% more likely to die.

Loneliness

The risk among the never marrieds was larger for those in very good or
excellent health, and smallest for those in poor health, and it was
greater among bachelors than spinsters.

For the younger singletons, the primary causes of death were infectious
disease and accidents, homicides and suicides. Among the middle aged and
elderly unmarrieds, the main causes were cardiovascular and chronic
diseases.

But the researchers believe it is SOCIAL ISOLATION that underpins the
premature death risk.

The researchers said: "Accumulated evidence suggests that social
isolation increases the risk of premature death.

"Having never been married may be associated with more severe isolation
because it is associated with greater isolation from children and other
family."

Alternatively, it might be that people who have underlying illnesses
that threaten their health and shorten their life expectancy are deemed
less suitable as marriage material.

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News & Info

 

 
<http://www.bosweb.com.au/content/EB3TemplateImages/771/Man%20reading%20
paper.jpg> 

 

 

 

Obesity Alert spreads to Newborn babies

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20155633-36398,00.html
<http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20155633-36398,00.html> 

Marriage Blokes Life Insurance

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20088376-36398,00.html
<http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20088376-36398,00.html> 

 

Marriage better for depressed

ONE way to get more out of marriage may just be to start out depressed,
said a US study.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20135997-36398,00.html
<http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20135997-36398,00.html> 

_________________________________________________________

From Babies to Blokes: the Making of Men

A conference to be held in Fremantle 

29 October to 1 November 2006

Details are also available at: www.promaco.com.au/conference/2006/man
<http://www.promaco.com.au/conference/2006/man>  

Keynote speakers include: Bettina Arndt, Prof Konrad Jamrozik, Ian
Lillico, Greg Mitchell, Dr Michael Nagel, Kieren Perkins OAM, Dr Shaun
Ridley, Dr Arne Rubinstein and Dr Norman Swan, who will lead the
discussions, followed other speakers and workshop leaders. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Parents n' Kids Adventureland offers fun weekend activities for all
types of families (single parents and grandparents included!) or just
for parents who would like to spend more quality time together as a
family.

Adventureland is ideal for single parents, parents who would like to
make new friends, grandparents, care givers or parents who would like to
get out on the weekends , spend some quality time together and try new
things?.and the best part of all? so very affordable for everyone!!

We are based in Brisbane with branches in Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide
and Perth.

Our website is:

www.geocities.com/adventureland4kids/kidsactivities 

Email: [email-masked] 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

X3 Watch - accountable community on the Internet

X3watch is a free accountability software program helping with online
integrity. Whenever you browse the Internet and access a site that may
contain questionable material, the program will save the site name on
your computer in a hidden folder. A person of your choice (your
accountability partner) will receive an email containing all possible
questionable sites you may have visited within the month. This
information is meant to encourage open and honest conversation between
friends and help us all be more accountable.

To download the programme or to get some more information go to
www.x3watch.com and follow the prompts

If you are not accountable then what are you?

Regards

Brian Pember

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Letters

Dear Fatherhood Foundation 

Love the material and really appreciate all you are doing in this area.
Just a point about the "Granny Rage" video.  If a man goes to the
skoopy.com site they are confronted with some links to highly explicit
porn sites.  I would give that site a miss in future!  

Again, I am a supporter, but good to be careful!  I am in the electorate
of Anthony Byrne and he tells me your material has been of great help to
him.

Regards,

Pastor Rob Ward

Editor's Note:  We apologise for any subscribers who went to the site
for 'Granny Rage' and were confronted with pornographic links. That is
why we had a direct file for download and not a link to the web site.

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Dad's Prayer

 
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.jpg> 

Dear God

Maybe Johnny Cash was right 

when he sang, 'Ring of Fire'.

Love is a burning thing

And it makes a fiery ring

Bound by wild desire

I fell in to a ring of fire . . . 

I fell into a burning ring of fire

I went down, down, down

And the flames went higher.

And it burns, burns, burns, 

the ring of fire, the ring of fire. 

Sometime ago you spoke to Moses

from the burning bush

Moses was amazed when

the bush was on fire but 

it was not consumed.

Is this the same thing as the 'blazing furnace of love'?

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Help Us

Click here for more information about us
<http://www.ausheart.com.au/fathers/about/index.html>  

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. 
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a   source
of harm. 

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in
fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible,
involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their
children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation
Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund 
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax
deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558 

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the
Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the
Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

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