Subject: The Sage
From: <[email-masked]>
To: <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2007 09:28:14 +1100

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Issue 228 - 1st January, 2007 	Go to our website Here
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*	Hello Alison
*	Grandads
*	Laughter
*	Single Dads 
*	Special Feature
*	Thought of the Week
*	All You Need is Love
*	News & Info
*	Dad's Prayer
*	Help Us

Hello Alison

 

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Last week I wrote about the stages of the masculine journey. John
Eldredge released his new book, 'The Way of the Wild at Heart - a map
for the masculine journey' just before Christmas and it will become a
worldwide bestseller like many of his other titles. In some of his
precepts he is not alone. Ed Cole wrote about this subject in the
eighties in Maximised Manhood © 1982. Richard Rohr is another author who
has a deep understanding of this subject, 'The Wild Man's Journey -
reflections on male spirituality' © 1992, being a foundational classic
in this genre. Richard Rohr's sell out tour in Australia last year shows
that interest in the subject is becoming more main stream than ever.
Richard Rohr's tapes and books are currently available in Australia
through the magazine 'Men Today Australia' Brisbane: www.mentoday.com.au
Steve Biddulph also broaches the subject of the stages of the masculine
journey in his bestselling book, 'Manhood' © 1994.

Having said this I believe that John Eldredge has really brought it all
together, body, soul and spirit in a very well crafted exposé , which I
believe will become a 'classic' in the years to come. John Eldredge
identifies six stages of manhood: Boyhood, Cowboy, Warrior, Lover, King
and Sage and does an excellent job in the process. He contends that
these stages are not necessarily absolute and at any one time there can
be several stages at play in a man's life. Eldredge points out that all
these stages are progressions and building blocks to form wholeness in
character at every level: body, soul and spirit. Without one it is very
hard to have the other and without all it is very hard to have the last.
The Sage or 'wise man' being in many ways pre-eminent. I'll let John
Eldredge say it in his own words.

I would place the stage of the Sage as beginning in the waning years of
the King, sometime between the ages of sixty and seventy. There comes a
time when the King must yield the throne. This does not mean failure. It
means it's time to become a Sage, and let another man be King. Too many
Kings hold on to their thrones too long, and they literally fade away
once they have lost them (which tells us they were drawing too much of
their identity from their position). It will appear that at this stage a
man's 'kingdom' may be shrinking - he retires from his career position,
perhaps moves into a smaller home or apartment, lives on a fixed income.
But, his influence should actually increase. This is not the time to
move to Ft Lauderdale, 'wandering through malls', as Billy Crystal
described it, 'looking for the ultimate soft yoghurt and muttering, 'How
come the kids don't call, how come the kids don't call?'' For now the
man is a mentor to the men who are shaping history. . .

Knowing how hard it is to find a Sage, you might for the time being draw
strength and inspiration from those we find in books and film. Yoda is a
classic Sage: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads
to suffering." There is also the wonderful old priest in The Count of
Monte Cristo. "Here now is your final lesson: do not commit the crime
for which you now serve the sentence. God said, 'Vengeance is mine'" "I
don?t believe in God," replies Dantes. "I doesn't matter. He believes in
you."
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Aaron.jpg> 

In many ways the Sage is usually the grandfather and often a great
grandfather and help you become a great father. I believe that the
grandfathers and great grandfathers are the key to family renewal in
this nation. They are the one's most likely to fulfil the much needed
role of the sage. It is so critical that we as fathers honour our own
fathers and grandfathers, because long life is a promise the result. Who
doesn't want to have a long life?

Lovework

Keep reading good books that will build your body, soul and spirit. John
Eldredge's book, 'The way of the Wild at heart' is one of those:
www.koorong.com.au <http://www.koorong.com.au/>  

Look out for the sages in your life and make them feel needed by asking
them questions. Their wisdom is a deep well and one we all need to draw
from. It will give them life too!

Yours for more wise men

Warwick Marsh

 ___________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 31 years. He is the father
of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 25 years
to 14 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public
speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

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Grandads

 

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.jpg> 

Train your child in the way

in which you know you

should have gone yourself.

CH Spurgeon

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Laughter

 
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pg> 

 
 A father was at the beach with his children 
 when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
 grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
 where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
 "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
 "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
 The boy thought a moment and then said,
 "Did God throw him back down?"
________________________________________________
 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. 
 Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
 "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
 Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
 "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
____________________________________________________
 
 A wife invited some people to dinner.
 At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
 "Would you like to say the blessing?"
 "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
 "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
 The daughter bowed her head and said,
 "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Single Dads 

 
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ustice.jpg> 

Open Letter to Chief Justice Bryant, Family Law Court Australia

According to The Age newspaper (24 Dec 2006) you recently made the
statement:

"One of the things that frustrates me most is people saying that the
court is biased - or that there is a systemic bias against fathers...
But nobody pulled out a judgement and said 'the result was wrong' "

Below is a recent case of bias in the Family Court by Justice Tim
Carmody mentioned in The Australian (08 Jan 2007).  

Coincidentally Justice Carmody was the judge who presided in my own
Final Hearing.  I can enumerate many ways in which Justice Carmody was
biased against me.

One obvious example is that he followed the advice of the Child
Psychologist allowing me a three stage increase in access with my son to
the current six days a fortnight (good).  (Orders made in March 2005).
Then he added a fourth stage which will reduce my access to four days a
fortnight beginning at the end of January 2007.  He provided no
explanation, and indeed no one has been able to explain why you get a
child used to a certain level of access and then suddenly reduce it.

The Child Psychologist said to me "I didn't go all the way [to 50/50
parenting] because I thought I'd intervened enough, and I thought by
that time (Jan 2007) you two could sort things out by yourselves".

When I mentioned to Justice Carmody that it seemed as though the fourth
stage didn't follow the logic of increased residency with the father
contained in the Child Psychologist's recommendations, he replied by
saying neither parent had as much contact when a child started school.
When I replied that I had taken this into account, but still my access
was being significantly reduced, he replied "Well I'm not going to
change it now!"  

To me this was sloppy Orders made on the run.  (There were other errors
such as writing 'pm' insisted of 'am' to which he irritatedly referred
to as 'typos' but which would have become immutable had I not pointed
them out at that very moment).   If you are not going to increase
access, why change the orders at all ?   

Justice Carmody also made the comment that I, the father, was
inexperienced.  This was unbelievable since I had had equal residency of
my daughter (from a previous relationship) for 12 years, and according
to the Family Report, my daughter was thriving.  I had more parenting
experience than the mother!

In making the property orders he made a 'global assessment' and said he
was not required to give a breakdown, and would not be giving a
breakdown of how he arrived at a figure giving 70% of the assets to the
mother.  Coincidentally this is exactly what my ex-partner's solicitor
had predicted she would win two years before.  Justice Carmody said he
was going to ignore superannuation assets of the mother.  I doubt
whether superannuation assets of fathers is EVER ignored.  I can go
on...

Not just judges who are biased.  The System is inherently biased.

However, it is not just that judges are prejudiced and biased toward
fathers, the policy regime is intrinsically biased.  The Catch 22 is
that the Family Court says if there is any evidence of conflict between
the separating parents, then Equal Parenting Time cannot be an option;
however, if there was no conflict between the parents they wouldn't be
in the Family Court in the first place! 

Evidence of conflict can include disparaging remarks made in Affidavits.
It can include fabricated Domestic Violence Orders.  If the mother acts
aggressively toward the father she is rewarded by gaining the majority
residency.  This sends the wrong signal.  It rewards relational
aggression and parental alienation, which are extremely damaging to
children.

I would have appealed Justice Carmody's orders.  However I was told that
Appeals are rarely successful as they are heard by a panel of other
Family Court judges who rarely overturn "discretionary" decisions of
other judges.  In my view the Family Court is not accountable.  The fact
that the transcript of a typical three day Final Hearing costs $3,000 is
another example of lack of accountability and transparency.  Why not
make it available on CD in audio form for $30? 

While we are discussing the integrity of the Family Court system, I note
that Justice Rimmer resigned as a result of her plagiarism.  I note from
an article in The Australian that Justice Carmody "imported paragraphs
from previous decisions".  This sounds like plagiarism to me.  Will you
be investigating this matter to see how much of Justice Carmody's other
cases have "imported paragraphs"?  There is software available these
days to make detection of plagiarism relatively simple...  I would like
to know, for example, if he "imported paragraphs" in his justification
of the Final Orders in my case.

I get a sense that you are genuinely trying to do the right thing.  I
wish you every success.

Sincerely

Geoff Holland

[email-masked]  

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Special Feature

 
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e.jpg> 

Grandfather-Transmitter of Values

What do you value in life? What shining virtues stand above time and
progress? What personal qualities do you want your children and
grandchildren to carry into future generations? 

Maybe you've given these kind of questions a lot of thought, or maybe
not. But you should, because you can have a powerful influence on your
grandchildren. This is your chance to make a difference in the next
generation, to leave behind something of lasting value for those you
love. This can be one of your grandest roles as a granddad. 

Teach Them 

Grandfathers have a special window into a child's heart. When a dad
relates to his children, there is often a struggle for control going on
under the surface. He's the man in charge, the disciplinarian, and it's
hard for a child to set aside that authoritative image. 

But if you can get the child alone, away from her parent's expectations,
often she can relax. She'll listen better and ask more thoughtful
questions, like: "Grandpa, when Daddy was seven, was he like me?" "Did
he have to clean up his plate?" Or maybe, "Why did Aunt Julie get
divorced?" 

She's trying to learn about her world, including school, family, and
relationships in general. With you, she may be more open to learn, and
you can help shape her young mind. 

Usually, you can't plan these opportunities - they just happen. That's
why it's good to spend lots of unstructured time with your
grandchildren. You may teach something without even realizing it:
something happens, you take an action, answer a question or explain
something, and the child learns something new. 

Listen to your grandchild. This is important because you can never do
enough cultivating your grandchild's trust. Attentive listening
communicates that you are interested in him, you consider him worthwhile
as a person, and his ideas are worth your time and attention. 

Also, when your teaching is guided by careful listening, there's a much
greater likelihood that what you're teaching will be "on target" for
him. 

Tell Stories. You have lots of wisdom and life experience to draw from;
you've seen a wide variety of events and changes. Even your mistakes
have a positive purpose. Children can sense that you have knowledge
about many different topics, and they're eager to hear about it. 

Many of your stories from life have valuable lessons attached to them.
Your grandchildren will learn about perseverance, loyalty, hard work,
patience, sacrifice, and on and on. If you were impressed and inspired
by a particular president or other leader in history, tell your
grandkids about that person and what about him appealed to you. 

This isn't to suggest that you preach at your grandchildren or subject
them to lengthy lectures. Just tell your stories in a lively, engaging
way, and let the story do the teaching. Ask lots of questions to get
your grandkids thinking about the values involved in your stories: "Why
do you suppose my father turned down that opportunity?" "What do you
think you would have done?" 

Model Them 

Are your actions backing up the qualities you'd like to see in your
grandchildren? Do you miss the days when a man's word was his bond? What
agreements or promises have you made to your grandchild, and how can you
show her that it's important to keep them? It's one thing to talk about
our values; it can be much more difficult to demonstrate them. 

If you believe in a strong sense of family, make that clear by your
words and actions. Is it important to you that the grandkids know their
cousins, aunts and uncles? Extended family gatherings can be great
learning and grounding times for a child. They get to watch other
married couples interacting; they see and hear how different generations
relate positively to one another. 

What other values do you want your grandkids to pick up from you? A love
for books? A positive attitude? A determination to never quit in the
face of adversity? Compassion and service toward others? The ability to
take care of one's possessions? 

You may be able to make a list pretty easily, but are you modeling those
characteristics? How well do you take care of the old Buick or the lawn
mower? How much time do you spend reading books that will improve you?
How often do you stop to help someone who is in need? How do you handle
it when someone treats you unfairly? 

Children are natural observers, and they can learn powerful, lasting
lessons from watching a grandfather go through life with dignity,
selflessness and a childlike sense of wonder. 

Ken Canfield
Ken is the Past President and Founder of the National Centrer of
Fathering.  www.fathers.com <http://www.fathers.com/>  

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Thought of the Week

 

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g> 

The greatest gift you can give to a sage

is to sit at his feet and ask questions.

John Eldredge

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All You Need is Love

 Eight Ways to Win Your Husband's
<http://www.bosweb.com.au/content/EB3TemplateImages/771/TweetyHeart_ILov
eYou_KMG.gif> Heart

 

* Communication means more than just talk.  Because men are often more
comfortable with using actions to demonstrate emotions, you can better
hear your man's expressions of love if you watch for them (and therefore
feel more loved yourself).

* Less is more.  For most husbands, speech that gets directly to the
point is more effective than long explanations. So save yourself the
trouble of lengthy descriptions; he's not going to listen anyway. Give
him the facts up front. He listens; you get heard. You're both happy!

* Savour your friendships with women.  It's natural to have ebbs and
flows in your marital bond. To help you get through the ebb periods,
maintain close ties to female friends. They'll help you find a balance
in your need for connection. 

* Simple pleasures are often best. Sometimes, simply making a
home-cooked meal or a backrub can convert your grizzly husband into a
teddy bear; it's so much easier than trying to get him to open up and
talk about what's making him cranky. 

* Boost his ego. Men like to feel like they make a big difference in
your life, even when they do trivial things such as opening a jar of
peanut butter. Go ahead and praise the simple things; it's an easy way
to motivate him to do even more for you!

Haltzman acknowledges that these recommendations are really just the tip
of the iceberg.   In order to learn what really propels women to great
relationships, I need to hear from the women themselves. The web site is
easy to use, totally confidential, and a place where women can learn
from other women.  I'm eager to learn what works, and what doesn't work.
If I can get more women to apply the secrets of happily married women,
we can dramatically reduce divorce rates and have many more couples live
happily ever after.

For more information or to schedule an interview, contact:

Elisabeth N. Galligan, President

Newberry PR

1240 Pawtucket Avenue

East Providence, RI 02916-1427

Phone: (401) 433-5965

Currently in Print: "The Secrets Of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to
Win Your Wife's Heart Forever" (January 2006, ISBN: 0-7879-7959-7) by
Scott Haltzman, M.D. with Theresa Foy DiGeronimo.Publisher: Jossey-Bass,
A Wiley 

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News & Info

<http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20312376-421,00.html> 

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ding%20beard.jpg> 

Work winning over Families

EVERYONE seems to be talking about balancing work and family, but when
it comes to the crunch it is work that takes precedence and family loses
out.

Family is being put on the backburner in the interests of keeping up
with too-large mortgages and meeting the rising costs of modern living. 

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21037529-5007146,00.html
<http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21037529-5007146,00.html> 

Am I a paronoid parent

With the intention of trying to ensure their happiness, paranoid parents
end up smothering their children and discourage them from taking the
slightest physical risk, psychologist McGrath says. "How on earth do you
become a successful human being if you can't face life's risks?" she
asks. 

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21042337-5007146,00.html
<http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21042337-5007146,00.html> 

__________________________________________________________

SYDNEY MEN'S FESTIVAL

SAT 13 to SUNDAY 21 JAN 2007

http://www.sydneymensfestival.org.au
<http://www.sydneymensfestival.org.au/>  

Contact Len: 0418 277 896 Steve: 02 9283 2903

Venue: Yaraandoo

28 Nollands Road Fiddletown Arcadia (near Hornsby)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

If you want another good book that is Australian on the subject of
developing into Manhood, I recently read Col Stringer's book,
'Rediscovering Manhood'.  

If you haven't read it, it is a good read.  If you have a look at
http://orders.koorong.com.au/search/details.jhtml?code=0957759894   

it will give you a preview of it.

Ian Gray

Letters

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

I have two small kids, 2 and 4, wife  works etc...but here is the
problem, there are little or no Dads groups.  

If there are more groups out there they are not networked, and I can
find little on the web to support otherwise.

If I can...I want to change that and start a local group in Sydney's
west and raise national awareness  in the form of a web site detailing
the needs of 'Stay at Home Dads' even if they can not get to a group.

Can anyone help?

Wayne Harris

[email-masked]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Fatherhood Foundation,

I find the arrival of your 'weekly newsletter/email' a very welcome
item. Sad but true! But in spite of that I find the contents very
informative in terms of updating me on matters important to me in my
journey of fatherhood at a sad distance. 

Warwick thank you for your tireless effort. You're a sterling warrior
for fathers' rights.

Kind regards,

Clive 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Angry at Heart

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

You know, this has been the hardest Christmas / New Year period that I
have been through in many years. As a father, I failed my children
because I did not know that my marriage was on the rocks, and I was
divorced.

I bought a house near the kids' schools and had them whenever they
wanted to be with me, or their mother wanted to go out. Eventually first
one, then the other moved in. 

Later I remarried - to a woman who had been divorced several times. She
had 3 children by two fathers. One child is stable, did not have
children by his first wife, divorced, and is now  happily married with
one child to his current wife. He is the one who remembered what he had
been through and learned his lesson. He refused to have children by the
first wife, until they sorted out their problems. No child support.

My two children have not had children yet, even though one has been
married and divorced. They were traumatised by the divorce. I know by
the change in them.

My wife's youngest child married a man who had been married and divorced
already, and she had two children. This was too much for the father, who
left, and does not pay Child Support, or even care that his attitude
destroys children. She is now on drugs. Divorce is hateful and is to be
avoided at all costs. It hurts children. I have seen mine hurt. I saw
the effects on my wife's children. Now my grandchildren. When will it
end?

A man I know was separated 5 months and was granted a divorce. His wife
is still in shock and needs a lot of support. The children are playing
one off against the other - it is a hateful game.

If the heart of a grandfather can break so much, what about the heart of
the Father.

I sincerely hope and pray that 2007 is the year of breakthrough for all
involved in parenting. May families regroup, remain, recover,
re-establish. That is the heart of the Father.

Bill      

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

I am grateful to and supportive of any person or organisation that seeks
to improve the plight of fathers and children's relationships with their
fathers.

I see that your strategic goals and outcomes include an intention to
create 'Well produced TV ads that highlight the power of positive
fathering'.

I have seen countless sitcoms that stereotype men (and fathers) as
bungling fools and women as supremely wise often ridiculing the males. A
stereotype image portrayed by the media typically involves a beer
drinking football loving male.

However I feel that your ad has failed to recognise the destructive
affect of media stereotyping of men and that this conflicts with the
stated aim of your organisation.

I would prefer an ad with a father showing their son how to do a
quadratic equation, cook or fix a bicycle.

Fathers by enlarge don't need to be told how to be a parent. They just
need to be supported as parents in the same way that mothers are.
Currently they are not only unsupported but undermined.

I am not so arrogant as to believe I might not be able to improve my
role as a parent to my child but my point is that I want to be respected
as a complete parent and not viewed as a parent who should be
subordinate in some way.

I feel that the real change necessary to improve fathering in our
society requires changes in laws and mechanisms of the state so that
fathers are genuinely supported and it will be a long hard road to bring
about this type of change.

When writing emails I am concerned that the tone can be misinterpreted
and I hope you can appreciate that I have great respect for what you are
doing. 

I hope you can keep your mind open to the point that I am making about
the portrayal of stereotypes.

Keep up the good work.

Kind regards

Bruce 

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Dad's Prayer

 
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Prayer of an 'Old Soul'

By George MacDonald

Lord, what I once had done with youthful might,

Had I been from the first true to the truth,

Grant me, now old, to do - with better sight,

And humbler heart, if not the brain of youth;

So wilt thou, in they gentleness and truth,

Lead back thy old soul, by the path of pain,

Round to his best - young eyes and heart and brain.

Note: George MacDonald was mentor to famous author CS Lewis, author of
the Narnia series.

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Help Us

Click here for more information about us
<http://www.ausheart.com.au/fathers/about/index.html>  

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. 
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source
of harm. 

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in
fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible,
involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their
children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation
Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund 
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax
deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558 

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the
Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the
Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

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